The Vampire Dairies: The Vampire Crisis at Neuroscience 2011: Day 5

Today is day 5 and I hope this makes up for my dismal progress yesterday.  The good news is that I didn’t sleep in, allowing me to dedicate more time to vampire hunting. First thing’s first, after seeing Harry’s pathetic vampire kick, I realized that my friends definitely need some training in vampire hunting.

Vampire Kick by Harry.

Into the Wild 

So for training I brought my friends out into the wild for some training exercises. First off was the National Aquarium. The National Aquarium is famous for the vicious creatures they have, an ideal place to practice vampire hunting. You can see an evil treefrog below, probably getting ready to pounce on us and devour us whole.

An evil treefrog.

A Lesson on Mimicking Your Enemy

One way to trick your nemesis is to become your nemesis. This is all part of psychological warfare. This is something I am very good at, as demonstrated in the following video:

So after showing off my whale skills, it was time for the whole group to work on their own vampire attack skills.  Below you can see our fish mimicry:

I think Harry (far right) got it spot on.  Brianne (second on the left) needs a lot more practice. Me (second on the right) has it perfect. So training at the aquarium was over, perfect timing, since this strange creature suddenly appeared out of nowhere:

Lessons From Hundreds of Years Ago

Next step: the dinosaur museum. As you may or may not know, dinosaurs ruled the planet several hundred years ago. They’re vicious, merciless, and look funny. Even the vegetarians can squash you like a fly. With this in mind, dinosaurs seemed like the next logical step in our training.

On the way, I spotted a potential vampire, unfortunately it ran away before we could genotype it with our PCR machine:

At the dino museum Harry got to a quick start, showing that he wasn’t just a one-hit wonder.  Below you can see a near perfect mimicry of a giant T-Rex:

Discovery of a New Lifeform

While at the museum, I spotted some as-of-yet unknown creature that I nicknamed the Martinosaur, a possible ancestor of the vampire.  You can see the footage of it below, likely the first time this creature has ever been caught on tape:

The Kill

Our progress at the dino museum was stupendous: no goofing around, no stupidry, just hard work and sweat and tears. You can see the result of our training below, with Zack and Harry showing off their kill:

Interview with a Possible Vampire

While we were not approached by a vampire today, our training has prepared us greatly for any future encounters. You always need to be ready, because you never know who will jump out of their skin and gnaw you to death. Just to be certain, I interviewed Zack, as I had suspected for quite some time now that he may be a vampire:


As you can see, our day in vampire hunting training was a huge success.  Not only did we improve our fish face, but we had ample time to practice looking like a dinosaur. While we obviously should have done this on the first day, as they say, “Sometimes late is often better than now.”

So while my penetration device has vanished, I am absolutely confident that our crew can handle the day ahead of us. I still have not spotted a vampire, and tomorrow is our last day in Washington, which means we are running out of time. The car-drive home from this city begins early tomorrow morning as the sun rises and the tumbleweed rolls along this destitute land of dust, saloons, and vampires. It is not by chance that I became a vampire hunter. It is not out of luck, nor inheritance, nor by alchemy. I was given, by the powers that be, what I have now, and I have accepted my role.


Martin, The Vampire Hunter