The Elusive Verofruit

Today was the big revealing of the iPhone 5.  Some estimates predict 8 million sales this quarter. If I had a calculator I could calculate some numbers too.  I decided this was my chance to outdo Apple and put them to shame.  I’ve been planning today for a while now, and as you’ll discover as you read more it almost didn’t happen.  There were many glitches along the way, and as I write this sentence I’m not even sure if it will be finished by the end of today since other things often distract me.

Vero and Juliet the family goat.

Today at Martin’s Culinary Reviews is the big reveal of the verofruit.  The verofruit is a very mysterious fruit discovered by my friend Vero. Vero’s a little girl from a strange family from Chicoutimi.  They’re not really a high-tech type of family, so it’s a little risky to put so much trust in her for our big day.  If you would like an idea of the type of people Vero and her family are, her grandparents rented a goat and some chickens for a summer as a birthday present for her little brother. Vero doesn’t even know what a cyborg is.  I had to explain to her that they’re very bad at throwing, which is why you never see a cyborg throwing javelins at the Olympics.

While today was a big ordeal, it was also filled with joyous moments.  I had to dress up for a lab picture, which I really don’t like doing, then I had a long waste of time, followed by the big search for the elusive verofruit, followed by me getting a temporary Nokia phone to replace my fancy Galaxy Nexus while they try to fix it, followed by me discovering an extra loonie stuck in the return slot of the clothes dryer, followed be me at this moment as I write this review waiting for my laundry to dry.

I’ll skip most of the events of the day as this is a blog about fruits and vegetables, but I will go over the big adventure to find the verofruit and explain why I had to find another verofruit, after Vero had already picked one for me.

Earlier in the summer Vero came to me.  She seemed rather excited about something and described a mysterious fruit she found.  I suppose she might have been perturbed as she asked me if I knew what it was. Unfortunately Vero is very short and so could not reach the tree, so I suggested she bring some friends along to help her reach it.  At first I suggested bringing Anime girl along, but then realized they’re around the same height.  I also told Vero that while I think anime is alright I don’t think it’s amazing, so I told her to make sure to tell Anime girl that while I don’t hate her, I also don’t particularly like her.  I’m not sure if Anime girl watches anime, but she does look like an anime character.

So eventually Vero got me a verofruit and I was pretty happy.  It was hard and looked like a lime.  Unfortunately that was a long time ago and as you can see in the picture it is now in pretty bad shape.  It has changed colours and has become very wrinkly. Here’s a picture of a very ripe verofruit:

An over-ripe verofruit.

As the big release day approached I realized I would need another verofruit to review, so I asked Vero to get me another one by the 12th but when I showed up at the lab today she didn’t have one.  Her instructions to find one was that it’s on Sunnyside, between Bank and Bronson, on the left side on a big tree, and there is only one Verotree on Sunnyside. To understand how terrible these instructions are, here’s a map showing you where I had to find this tree:

Map showing approximate location of the verotree. Bronson is on the far left and Bank is on the far right.

I measured the time it takes for a photon of light to travel across my computer monitor from Bronson to Bank, and then compared that time to the time it took for the light to travel the length of that little black bar at the bottom of the screen, which is 200 m. I used my new Nokia phone to time the photon.

Because I also formed a vacuum around my monitor I used c = 299 792 458 m/s. It took 4.16955190 x 10-10 s to travel from Bronson to Bank (on my monitor).  I decided to have some fun so I put a mirror at Bank Street, bounced the photon off the mirror, and also measured the return time.  Interestingly the return time was not the same as the trip to the mirror, since the return time was only 4.1695589 x 10-10 s.  So the total time is ta = 8.339110800×10-10.  The trip to go the total length of that black bar and back was tb = 1.767889705×10-10 s, and strangely that time aberration was not there.  So the total distance from Bronson to Bank (da), assuming the distance of the black bar is 200 m (db) can be calculated as follows:

            2kda/ta = c = 2kdb/tb, for some constant scale factor k
=>       da = db/tb * ta
=>       da = 943.3971787 m

I did not check my calculations, since doing the first calculation automatically determines the second calculation, so it’s not worth bothering.

So I went to Bronson and Sunnyside and started walking towards Bank.  I did go fairly slowly since all I knew was that verotrees are large since Vero couldn’t reach the tree, which means that it would be at least 5 feet tall.  I walked all the way to Bank street.  Along the way I saw a strange old woman, probably around 80, sitting on her walker at the corner of one of the crossroads. I felt like I was at that point in life where you reach a fork.  Should I go straight, or should I be adventurous and turn left? The old woman just sat there and I’m pretty sure she was stoned or about to die.  So I kept on going straight.

I got to Bank without finding the verotree, then realized that while I was looking to my left, I had to think outside of the box. As in life, there’s always more than one solution.  While left to me may seem like left, if I created a plane defined by the vector of the tangent of the road and the vector obtained by taking the cross product of my spine with that same tangent vector, then I flipped the planet upside down so it would sit on that plane, as if it were sitting on the back of a whole bunch of turtles, and then spun Earth 180 degrees like a giant pale blue marble, while keeping myself still relative to the ether, then flipped it back over since I would prefer not to walk upside down, then left would now be on the other side of the road. So I did that and headed back to Bronson, this time looking on the other side. The other side was not much success either.

Since I no longer had my phone, I decided to walk back to Carleton and give Vero a call for better instructions. I didn’t have her number, and in fact I had no one’s number since these days you never actually have to memorize numbers.  But fortunately my old phone synched up with my Google contacts, so I checked my contacts, which did not contain Vero, and called up Harry with his fancy Blackberry.  He said he had Vero’s number, but since he could not check his contacts on his Blackberry while talking on it at the same time, he had to hang up and text me the phone number, which was not possible.  So the plan was for me to give him 30 seconds to look up Vero’s number, then I would call back to get it, which worked amazingly well.

I gave Vero a call for better instructions on how to find the elusive verotree. This is what I got out of the discussion:

  1. The tree is surrounded by dirt
  2. It is elevated so I would have to climb something
  3. It is in front of a two-dimensional, flat house, that is squashed and long, that is rectangular
  4. It is on the left side before I rotated the planet

So armed with these details I headed back out to find a verofruit.  I found an elevated part with dirt.  The house was not two-dimensional but it was flat, squashed and long, and rectangular. But I didn’t find a verofruit. I was getting hungry at this point so stopped by a pizza place for dinner, then went back out to find a verofruit.

I was starting to think that maybe I did find the verotree but it’s just out of season, but surely there must be at least one verofruit left.  Maybe verofruits are so good that everyone’s been eating them. I looked some more, then went back to that rectangular house and looked all over the place.  I checked all the trees, I looked at the backyard, I went over to the street on the other side, and I still did not find a verotree.  But then I thought, if there is a verotree on Sunnyside, and this isn’t some giant lie that Vero came up with just to piss me off, then it’s likely the tree had sex with itself and spread its seeds to nearby streets.  So I found some other street. This was a really weird street since the houses faced the wrong way.  Instead of the fronts of the houses being on the road, it was the backs of the houses.  But on the fronts of the houses there were also roads, so this was clearly a road designed by Descartes.

And it was on this road that I finally found a verotree. The strange thing I noticed was that a verofruit looks very different when it’s not ripe, as you can see in the picture below, with the ripe one on top and the long skinny one being a non-ripe one:

An over-ripe verofruit (top) and an under-ripe verofruit (bottom).

I realized that I don’t have a perfectly ripe verofruit, so I’ll review both of them. You can think of this as unveiling both an iPhone and a new iPod.  The under-ripe verofruit is very interesting inside as you can see in this picture:

Inside an under-ripe verofruit you can see the verofruit seeds and the verofruit flesh.

It looks compartmentalized but at the same time not compartmentalized. Much in contrast to a fungal drangfruit. I was not very certain which part I was supposed to eat, so I started with the seeds. The seeds at first tasted good.  They reminded me of sunflower seeds, but they quickly became very bitter which I did not like much. So far I was not impressed.  I then went on to the flesh expecting much more.  When you eat a fruit you usually eat the flesh, so I was probably not supposed to eat the seeds. Unfortunately the flesh was absolutely disgusting and I spat it out. It was even bitterer than the seeds.  So for an under-ripe verofruit I give it 0 stars.

So I went on to the overripe verofruit. I opened it up and it looked like chocolate, as you can see below:

The inside of an over-ripe verofruit looks like chocolate.

Unfortunately it really didn’t have any taste at all.  I only nibbled at it, since I wasn’t sure if it was overripe or rotten, but I had enough to realize there wasn’t much taste to it. Apparently subtle tastes can be good, but this subtle taste was more like cardboard. So for an overripe verofruit I give it 1 star.

So then I thought to all that thinking out of the box thing.  I had an under-ripe verofruit and an over-ripe verofruit, so why not mix them and make a perfectly ripe verofruit?  I tried mixing the two but that’s very hard, so I put parts of them into a blender. That also didn’t work too well since verofruits are very dry, so I added some coffee and blended them some more.  You can see the result here:

An over-ripe verofruit, an under-ripe verofruit, and coffee.

I call this the verofruit smoothie. My friend Harry who is an expert at smoothies would be proud. Unfortunately this was even worse than an under-ripe verofruit, so I must have done something wrong. I was pretty sure that I did not in fact have a perfectly ripe verofruit. Either way, I give a mix of an over-ripe and an under-ripe verofruit with coffee a rating of -1.

Again, you always need to think outside of the box. I had recently been very confused by microwaves, since I can’t see the actual microwaves flying around when I look inside of my microwave.  I figured that maybe my microwave was broken, but then realized that it does heat up food. I went on to think that if I can’t see it then the microwaves probably don’t exist. So I sat around for a while and came up with a more plausible explanation as to how microwaves really work. My theory is that microwaves act a bit like time machines. They speed up time inside the microwave, causing the atoms to move faster, which causes whatever you’re cooking to heat up. This also got me thinking that if I wanted to time travel I would have to fit myself into my microwave and get someone to press the start button for me.  But I realized I would get out much older which I don’t want. I also thought that if I did this then I may do something weird to the timeline, perhaps create some form of aberration in time. At the time I decided I did not want to risk it, but perhaps my future self has already tried it.

So I put the cup of verofruit in my microwave to send it through time and hence ripen it.  I didn’t want it too hot, so I put it in for 30 seconds, but that ended up being way too long since when I opened the microwave it was bubbling a lot and was really stinky. It made the gross smell of the verofruit even more pungent so I opened my balcony door. Here it is below:

An over-ripe verofruit, an under-ripe verofruit, and coffee sent through time.

I took a small swig but this thing was very disgusting and I spat it out almost immediately.  Here’s a picture of what it looks like when you blend together an over-ripe verofruit, an under-ripe verofruit, and coffee, send it through time, mix it with spit, then spit it out:

An over-ripe verofruit, an under-ripe verofruit, and coffee sent through time, then mixed with spit then spat out.

So for a perfectly ripe verofruit I give a rating of -5. I’ll tell you if I’m dead tomorrow.